In addition to writing about cat vomit and ear hair, I also am a photographer. And I love to shoot weddings, particularly receptions.

Every wedding has the same cast of characters: the painfully shy flower girl/ring bearer who sheds all inhibition after the “Chicken Dance,” the bridesmaid who never lets go of her drink while dancing, the sweet elderly aunt whose moves get more suggestive after the cake is cut (also common: That elderly aunt will pinch a groomsmen’s bottom after 10 p.m.).

You can always plan on “Sweet Caroline” — BUM BUM BUMMM — and the “Electric Slide” (important rule of reception photography: Do not rotate around the “Electric Slide.” Stay put. The dancers will ALWAYS slide back around).

Then there is the wedding toast. To be sure, I have been moved to tears in these moments; some people dig deep. But there are many moments that make the room cringe, and experienced wedding contractors (DJs, caterers, photographers, etc.) can see them coming a mile away.

“I remember when we went on that road trip in college …”

“(Bride’s name), you do not know this about my man (groom’s name), but …”

“(Bride’s name), you helped me through so many hard times. Remember Randy? Oh my God …”

“(Bride’s name), we are so happy he found you because he dated SO MANY psychos, Remember, Laura? Oh my God …”

But those pale in comparison to the first and last best-man toast I gave at my college roommate’s wedding. I went with the unthinkable: Discussing my failed date with the bride, which ultimately led to this wedding.

“I went in for the kiss, and she did the head swivel …”

My stomach churns just thinking about it. I thought I was telling a funny story that, honestly, had relevance to the union. But the looks on faces when I returned to the wedding-party table immediately trounced the voice in my head yelling, “NAILED IT!”

All that said, I humbly offer advice for less cringey wedding toasts:

Remember why you are there. This is about the newlyweds, not you.

Humor is always a great tool but remember your audience. Grandma Sue does not need to know about lampshade-on-head moments. Chances are, the newlyweds would prefer to keep Grandma Sue out of that loop, too.

Do not bring up old girlfriends/boyfriends. There is no place for them here.

Do not, as I witnessed at one wedding, mention your road trip to the “Chicken Ranch.”

Keep it short. There is cake to be eaten and bottoms to be pinched.

Refrain from calling the bride “hot.”

Be sincere. Being asked to offer a toast is an honor. Return the favor.

If you are in a long, happy marriage, offer some tips. Be sweet and funny.

Your job is to wish them well and show them they are loved.

These are words of wisdom from a guy who has watched trainwrecks and then photographed the wreckage.

And for the record, my college roommate and his wife of 33-plus years remain good friends with me and my wife despite my horrifying toast.

Thus, I also offer some advice for the newlyweds: Forgive awkward toasts. There is a lot of dancing juice in that bridesmaid’s cup, not to mention that moron photographer who keeps blinding you during the “Cupid Shuffle.”

And finally, some advice for the groom: It is “I thee wed,” not “I be wed.” Who knew? Apparently, everybody. But that is another story for another time.

Cheers!